We Can Learn To Love Again – Why No Relationship Is A Waste Of Time

I need to take note of these points…….

Think chill the F out is apt!!

Suzie Speaks

The last song I listened to was ‘Just Give Me A Reason’ by Pink, featuring Nate Ruess. The third line from the end is ‘we can learn to love again’.

My longest relationship has been with The Bloke. I’ve not had a massive amount of relationships in my dating life – I would say that I’ve had five that I would consider to be significant (The Bloke included) and of those I have been in love with three of them (The Bloke included) and truly heartbroken twice.

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An Apology…

I have been extremely slack the past few weeks.  I was on holiday for a week last week (It was amazing!) but I am now back online.

It has been a tough few weeks.  Emotional and tough.

So Pesky Ex has been on his best behaviour and almost understanding.  I have spent the day moaning at him about my so called “friends” who don’t’ seem to want to be in contact with me.  That sucks.  It also doesn’t help with the self esteem.  He is still talking to me 🙂 this is a bonus.

Afghan Boy is, I think, playing silly buggers.  I had one message off him yesterday, and that was it.  I will admit I am awful at reading into things, but it’s hard to read anything positive into nothing.  He is sat in Camp Bastion but the contact is sporadic, he is none committal (always has been) and wants to work abroad when he finishes in the army.  Should I get the hint?  Back in July I had a semi nervous breakdown and said I needed take him off my Facebook, and he said he couldn’t stop me if I wanted to do that. AARRRRGGGGHHH of course I don’t bloody want to stop talking to him, he said he wanted to talk to me so we carried on talking.  It just seems like lots of excuses, internet is bad, he couldn’t get online bla bla bla.  So my brain goes into over drive and reads into these things!!

I just want him to come home and to see him again, and to know what’s the F is going on!!!  I have met another boy, who is lovely (and intends on staying in the country!) but he’s so nice, and so easy to get to do what I want.  If you get me?  Damn me for wanting what I can’t have, I like to chase I HATE being chased.  Annoying really. Why can’t I like the nice boys, the ones that are around, the ones that I CAN have, not the ones I CAN’T have!!!  Gaaaahhhh, bloooody boys.  Not that Afghan Boy isn’t nice, he was just busy when he was back for two weeks (excuse?!), and now he’s in Afghan, he isn’t here to defend himself, or be nice to me.

Any way, New Boy.  He came over for supper last night.  We had every intention of him going home afterwards but it kinda didn’t happen and he stayed the night.  He is lovely, he bought me flowers, he made me laugh and he is staying in the country :-/ what more could a girl want.  Ahhhhh, physical attraction yes that’s it.  My heart just isn’t in it, my heart is in Afghan yet my head is telling it to get the hell back here right now as it is just wasting its time.

As my mother would say Que Sera, Sera.  Whatever Will Be, Will Be.  Only 70 more days to go.

x

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“Late Night Conversations…”

Had an interesting discussion with “Pesky Ex” yesterday about Science vs. Philosophy.  He is a firm believer that only science can explain things and if that explanation fails it is down to chance.  When asked how he said that it rains due to temp, altitude and humidity, and people are hurt in crashes because F=MA.  Now, he has a point about those things but he knew full well that isn’t what I meant at all!  He decided that science could explain him and me not working beyond the six months, and emotion was to blame for me quitting a job without another one lined up.  At that point I realised I was fighting a losing battle and no matter what I said he would always have an answer, so I gave up and conversation moved on.  But it got me thinking about how my past actions have dictated who I am today.  If I hadn’t said a certain sentence, if I hadn’t quite that job, made that particular movement would everything be different.  If I hadn’t clicked send on a message would I be where I am today?  If I’d worked harder, if I’d not binned uni off, a lot of what ifs.  I’d like to go back in time, do something differently and hit CTRL Z if it really did go tits up.  But then that wouldn’t be life would it?  It’s not a dress rehearsal, it’s the real thing and you only get one chance at it.  So my chance is here and now, so I should probably seize it!!  See, I can talk the talk…

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“A really bad day…”

Found myself having really dark thoughts on the way to work today L It got me wondering as to how many people would actually miss me or even notice if I left/died.  Apart from the obvious people such as family would anyone care?  I know that family are the most important thing but it is nice to be wanted right?  If I go through my text messages on my phone, in 99% of the conversations I sent the last message and received no reply.  Again, I understand that this isn’t an accurate way to measure these things but I just feel like no one contacts me unless they HAVE to, or want something (although let’s be honest I don’t have much worth anything to others!).  I text a friend last Tuesday, and only received a reply (after a Facebook message reminding him) on the Saturday morning.  It wasn’t even a long text that needed oceans of time to write, nor one that warranted a response.  Yes it was that pants!

I genuinely think that if I ended up in hospital for any period of time my family would be the only ones to visit me, possibly my housemate but I don’t know anyone else that would make time to come and visit.  I like to think “Pesky Ex” would, but as I would definitely not be able to give him sex I doubt he would drive any distance.  Please be assured that I am not wishing myself in to a hospital at all.  How can I feel like this?  Why do I feel like this?  Why can’t I appreciate what I have?  Family that love me and my [physical] health, although even that’s a little dodgy.  Maybe I am just clinging onto the Hollywood view of socialising and falling in love?  I think I’m fairly realistic about life and I understand that I can’t be going out every night, for starters funds wouldn’t allow it.  But I do want to go out a bit more than I do now, with some friends all of my own, which I lack.  I don’t even know where to start to find them.  I play sports, I am quite friendly and outgoing, and I speak to strangers ALL the time when I am out and about yet this doesn’t seem to get me anywhere.  Maybe I am weird, maybe talking to strangers is not the way to go about it, I mean I don’t just randomly strike up big conversations with randomers but I do make chit chat in the supermarket queue etc.  I always thought that strangers were just friends you hadn’t made yet?  If this is not the case then I am at a loss as to where to go from here.  The way I want to go is the way that would hurt my family the most, a path of self-destruction and hatred.  The question is, though, do I have the guts to end it?  To make that life ending cut, to take those life ending pills, to make that one last movement pushing yourself from a great height, or to hold yourself under that water for long enough.  Could I do it?  Could I be that selfish?  I feel guilty every time I picture my Mums face, and even more so when I picture my Dads face.  I am at heart a Daddy’s girl and will forever be troubled by how my Daddyio would react, until I pluck up the courage to do that final pain killing, elation creating act…..

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A late night muse…

So I was going to Facebook “afghan boy” and tell him that I couldn’t cope with this and that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I then realised it was more of an attention seeking exercise than anything because I’m feeling sad. I also realised that I was going to say we needed to stop n decide what happened when he got back, on reflection I realised that this is exactly what he wanted to do. Argh, when will I learn!!!

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“Assume the worst, hope for the best….”

Had a bad few days this week, mainly money stresses, accentuated by lack of contact from Afghan Boy.  The horrid thing about Facebook is that I can see when he has been online and when he has read my messages.  When I see this my brain goes into overdrive assuming he is ignoring me.  As he pointed out the other day, however, 7000 people on one router does not make for speedy internet, or consistent internet.  Then I think that maybe he is lying to me and that actually he just doesn’t want to speak to me…….I have given him ample opportunity to confirm this and as yet am still waiting for this confirmation.  Is this because he genuinely isn’t ignoring me, or is it because he is just too nice to do so?  We are only “friends” for now as he is 3616 (yeah I looked it up!) miles away and will be for another 100 days. 

I shall continue to assume the worst and hope for the best… Someone said to me the other day that you should always ask the universe for what you want and it will come. If you expect the crap then the crap will come! Always keep a positive outlook on everything and the good will shine through.  Maybe this is where happiness lies?  Maybe this is where I am going wrong, and I should be looking inwardly for happiness and not at the world around me?  I can see the idea behind this thinking but it doesn’t quite sit comfortably with me.  I think to achieve happiness your surroundings need to be right too, surely?  At least if I do expect the worst it won’t come as a surprise and/or disappointment that the worst happened!

Money is always an issue for me.  Always has been and sadly always probably will.  My father is always telling me to live within my means, I try!!!!  But I’m a manic depressive and I want friends, sadly this comes at a price.  I am destined to always be poor, so I better be rich in other things I suppose.

Had a social event on Wednesday after Netball, ooooo I hear you thinking, a social event?  I know right, I never have social events!  I went for drinks at a friend’s house later on, which was nice.  I even resisted the urge to facebook Afghan Boy, high five me!  It would have only been drunken drivvle about how much I missed him, awkward!!  He is yet to say that he misses me, I was drunk and said,

“I’ve said to you that I miss you, you don’t seem to be able to say that you miss me too!!! Arrrrrrrrgggggffhhhhh”  he replied with…

“Haha sorry you know I do, it makes things a lot harder for me when i start thinking about missing everyone back home, I know it’s hard for you too”  I can understand this statement, but actions do speak louder than words, then again he can’t really do a lot from where he is…

Anyway, I felt a bit ropey the next morning, which was not ideal as I was in meetings most of the morning, and attempting to be smiley in hot weather when all you want to do is chunder is hard!! 

Apart from that a quiet week feeling sorry for myself and researching Fluoxetine.  The only bit of information I have retained is that is also known as Prozac…not something I knew before!  I intend on writing an entry dedicated to it next week, sorry people!!!

“Pesky Ex” has obvs been busy with other women as apart from an initial burst of interest, on Wednesday, in coming over he has not been in touch.  This should be a good thing.

I’m spending the weekend with my Mummy; a weekend in the sun pottering around is just what I need!  Adios xx

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If I Had My Life To Live Over Again

Suzie Speaks

I’ve loved this poem for years – my mother sent it to me when I was at University.

If I Had My Life to Live Over Again
If I had my life to live over again,
I’d dare to make more mistakes next time.
I’d relax.
I’d limber up.
I’d be sillier than I’ve been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances,
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would, perhaps, have more actual troubles but fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I’m one of those people who was sensible and sane, hour after hour, day after day.

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